It’s been quite a while since I’ve come back to the keyboard to write. So many days have passed me by, and not enough of them have been what I’d call fruitful. In the past couple months, my life has been a roller coaster of the good and the bad, the shut-in days and the brave days. However, I suppose some progress is better than none, and this time, I think I can say that I’m not always running in circles for once.
Recently, I’ve been seeking help. It’s still strange to me to think that for the first time, I am meeting with a counselor. I was terrified, at first, at the thought of discussing my personal life with another human being. The first day was a struggle to hold back the tears of issues I have never spoken aloud before. I never realized how hard it was to speak of the unspoken, in a room alone with a stranger who I’ve never met before. In fact, the subject of my family, anxiety, and concerns suddenly felt like a bigger beast than I could tackle. Four weeks in, and I’m still wary of the doors she may open. A test of bravery, another adventure of “that wasn’t so bad,” and a friendly push into a world full of everything I have come to fear. I can’t tell if the feeling I get when I enter her office is dread or the anticipation of a new “assignment” to confront.
While starting counseling surely has helped, I’m still dealing with some major subjects. My insomnia feels like a weight pressing in on me for the majority of the day, and I’m unable to shake off my hurtful habits. I had gone almost entire month clean. But once again, I’m left with the marks of my guilt, and that god-forsaken thing, that thing in which I despise yet depend on every time I feel defeated, sits at my bedside as if to mock me for all of the energy I have put into getting better.
As if to say, “You’ll always come back to me.”
I can’t bear to dispose of it. Even if I did, there’s always another way, always another object to fulfill that need to hurt. And it’s embarrassing to realize these are thoughts conjured up by my own mind. How terribly so that I still wish pain upon myself when all I want to do is get better. Is it too much trouble to find self-control among other things? The roller coaster never ends, it seems. But I suppose I should see it through a positive perspective; even if I could get off the ride, a person can’t grow if the road is always straight. We need to fall and climb our way up again. That is how individuals are born, after all.
Things have been so…well, all over the place, that I haven’t given myself the chance to examine or write about all the things on my mind. I hope that my continuing adventure towards a better future will bring me to where I need to be. Perhaps one day, I’ll lay my fingers on the keyboard with the intention of sharing such an achievement. Until then, I will keep on going, searching for the next big chapter of my life.